How Riku Lost his Manly Pride
by AznN3rd
Summary: One day after class in Paopu High, Riku becomes ensnared in the evil fangirl's clutches. A certain crazy ninja with a thirst for blackmail snaps a picture of the scene on her cell phone and the craziness begins. Expect crack pairings later on and insanity


**How Riku Lost his Manly Pride **

Chapter One

AznN3rd: This fic was spawned from consuming too much sugar at 4AM after a weird anime convention called the Metrocon… I do not own KHII, and as this is my first fic, I would love it if people left reviews. **_Constructive_** criticism is welcome since no one can get better without it! This is not a Riku bashing fic.

_italics- _Peoples thoughts

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Riku began to causally inch out of homeroom, while shooting artic glares at everyone who had the misfortune to cross his path. His normally emotionless sapphire eyes were scanning the hallways, rapidly filling with fear and uncertainty.

_They're coming for me…I can feel it_, he thought to himself as he began to start his desperate dash to his locker. His heart pounded in his chest as he felt the ever-looming danger closing in on him, like a mouse being stalked by an AK-47 toting ninja cat.

Unfortunately for Riku, the creatures chasing after him were not the Heartless, or even Selphie fueled by a triple shot espresso. He could deal with both since he was force to on a daily basis; It took all his self control not to strangle Selphie as she attempted to make his gray plaster hair move, taping it with the end of that godforsaken jump rope every day in homeroom. No, these condemned souls came from the cheery pits of happy hell, spawning from the obsessively creepy otaku shrines. These conniving rabid…. things…were every Bishie's worst nightmare…the…FANGIRLS!

Riku's right eye began to twitch as he heard the telltale ear-shattering squeal. _Crap…_He thought to him self, _I'm…cau-_

"OHMYGAWD! HE'S, LIKE, SO, LIKE, TODALLY, LIKE, HOTT! LIKEOHMYFREAK'NGAWD," They screamed with glee, killing a nearby emo kid in mid cut.

Riku's eyes widened in pure horror as all 989,565,353,335,545,335,333 fangirls swooped down on their prey and glomped him.

"Lets, like, totally, steal his rad hot clothes, and like, then, like, set up an, like, alter, and, like, totally, like, worship his uber sexy-ness, then like, totally form a new religion," One brain dead fangirl said in an annoyingly chipper tone, causing a nearby stereotypical high school Goth to spontaneously combust in pink flames.

Riku groaned internally, and began to pray for a quick death or a sexier bishie to walk by. But unlike Riku, all the other Bishies had girl friends to keep the fangirls from molesting them. _Damn…I need a girl_ Riku admitted to himself for the first time in his teenage life.

"YEAH! Your, like, such, a TOTAL GENUIS," The chorus of the 989,565,353,335,545,335,333 fangirls shouted in delight, as they knocked out Riku with their sound, thus putting him out of his misery.

One by one, each possessed rabid fangirl began striping Riku of his clothes, while chanting mantras dedicated to their "yummah, smexi, and edible Riku goodness."

"I'm HOLDING RIKU'S HOLY BOXERS," Mildred the happy cat girl said with glee as she held up an adorable pair of Moogle boxers.

"ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY BOXER," Each fangirl said as they bowed before Riku's boxers.

Poor Riku laid helpless as he felt the last of his clothing tear off his body. _Oh my god…You have got to be kidding me _he thought to himself in disbelief.

"Like, we are so totally done," All 989,565,353,335,545,335,333 fangirls, cheered cheerleader style, striking hundreds dead with a sugary sweet diabetic coma.

Each fangirl carried a piece of Riku's clothes as they pranced into the Girl's Locker Room like fairy princesses. They stopped to check their hair and make-up, as it was blasmaphy to enter "+3h R1kU t3MpL3 0f MnL1n3$$" (1) with smudged eyeliner or, god forbid, a chiped nail. The head fangirl causally walked into an out of order sign, and flushed the beaten up toilet twenty seven times. A pretty pink portal appeared, coated with daisies and peonies. Finally, they skipped through the gloriously preppy portal of sexy-ness.

The fangirls smiled their eerily perfect grins as they crossed a perfectly sturdy bridge made from roses, as if in a trance. As each of them filed into a gigantic pink Disney Princess stlye castle, they drew up the drawbridge with a happy snap.

Quickly, they began constructing an alter dedicated to Riku from soda cans (He backwashed in each can with his sexy tongue), Orbitz gum (Riku loved the pink bubblemint), Riku's holy clothes/shoes/socks/etc., his bed sheets, his plastered on hair, and even his used q-tips. Millions of pictures of Riku eating, sleeping, breathing, making out with his pillow, smiling, and glaring filled the blinding pink room. Each picture had captions such as "R1kU 1$ B3+h1ng!11! H3 1$ $0 mZ1nG!11!" (2) and "uB3 $3y H0+n3$$!11!" (3). A mutilated Kairi poster laid, propped up in a corner next to a badly stabbed voodoo doll. Kairi was barely recognizable in each of her photos, as knives filled each pixel.

At long last, the fan girl's work of art was complete. They pulled out the sacred Papua fruit, and broke it with the poorly constructed Riku idol, cramming slices of the juicy fruit into its non-existent mouth. "WE TOTALLY LOVE RIKU," They screamed.

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Yuffie skipped merrily on her way to class. _Yay! We get to learn about how to mutilate innocent towns people in Mr. Sephiroth's history class today!" _she thought to her self with glee. Just as she was about to pull a triple shot espresso she "borrowed" from Selphie (God knows that child does not need anymore caffeine) out of her bag, she fell flat on her face. 

"What's the big idea?" She glared angrily.

She glanced down and found a certain silver haired bishonen lying naked on the ground with a priceless stunned look on his face. "OH MY GOD! MY EYES! THEY BURN!" she said as she screamed. _Wait…this kid Riku is loaded!_ She thought, coming back to her senses. _Hello blackmail…_she thought to herself with a snicker as she whipped out a camera phone and snapped a picture. Click.

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AznN3rd: End of chapter one! 

For all of you who couldn't understand the freaky l33t, (I don't blame you!) heres translations:

1-The Riku Temple of Manliness

2- Riku is breathing!

3- Uber sexy hottness!

If anyone has ideas or suggestions for the later chapters, I'd love to hear them.


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